• Front Cover
  
• Editorial
  
• To G Or Not To G
  
• Sketch Sketch
  
• Ode to Tescos
  
• The DougSoc Files: The Grossil
  
• The Information Superhighway: its effect on DougSoc
  
• Let's Rap With 1st Class
  
• The Meaning of Oxford
  
• Castration and Orgasm in the Starwars Trilogy
  
• Desert Island Disks
  
• Risotto
  
• President's Address
  
• So long and thanks...

Contributors:
Peter Gillin
Mat Page
Juliette White
Sarah Lawrence
Xavier Smith
Richard Blunt
Dale Klover
Paul Gilkerson
Phil Hallard
Matthew Graham

Remember those heady days of Trinity 1994 when River Phoenix had just bitten the proverbial? We didn't have a ZF editor due to finals and mods, but I'm sure Grunvor's mutterings have been worth the wait...

Risotto

by Gruntvor the Barbarian

Next slide please, Carol.

Hello, this is your resident barbarian speaking. May I just take this opportunity to say how pleased I am to be here. I know it is bad form to quote ones own reviews, but I was very touched by the comment made by our beloved ex-editor Stan, a.k.a. Mr Kipling, following 'Life Is...' He said that I was not abnormal, but that I am just ab. It was - oh, excuse me, the phone is ringing. Come in, Malta. The results of the Malta jury are: 12 points, Ireland. 5 points, Turkey and France. One point, Great Britain, Switzerland, and Norway. Bloody hell, Norway have scored! That's one for the record books. Did you see the new world record for most Take That records listened to consecutively? It was three quarters. Sorry, I apologise for that, I know making fun at the expense of Take That is cheap and degrading. I assure you, it won't happen again.

Now it's time for our What Happened Next round, in which contestants are shown a bit of a film and have to say What Happened Next. As if you hadn't realised. So here is the first clip. Bill? No, he didn't pass the ball to Harris, bit of a shimmie, fell over his bootlaces. That's utterly wrong, I'll have to pass it over to the other side, and the Maharashi Yogi. No, he didn't kick the ball so hard that it burst and killed the referee. Your answer is so much better, but sadly wrong. Oh damn, where are my anti-Robert-Robertson pills? No in fact the answer is, World War Two broke out. Let's watch that again... long pass to Blithe, fades back, scissor kick to Lennon, tackled by Dr Frankenstein, and World War Two breaks out.

On to our next round... 3 Shires and a double Teachers please, Dave. Sorry, poor pun, normal service will be resumed with alarming rapidity.

And now, it's: Singalongagruntvor. Today's song is A Lemming's Reaction to A Bat.

What a poor rodent the bat is,
It can't even jump off a cliff.
Because it has wings and will whizz,
And not drop to the sea and be stiff.

Luvvly, luvvly, darlings, just luvvly. Try to come in in time next go, and in the same key, but otherwise luvvly.

I was playing a drinking game the other night which involved saying a nursery rhyme very fast, a rhyme which I am told is quite common amongst the infants in your society. Unfortunately we don't have such luxuries in the Barbarian Lands: it's straight from your mother's breast and onto battle-axe for beginners. So I had a little trouble with the words. It came out something like this:

Mary had a little Lamb's
She'd not drunk rum before.
And then she had another five
And then fell on the floor.

Mary had a merry night
She just drank more and more,
And wandered round the bar, and sang,
And acted like a whore.

Mary was not well next day,
Her head was awful sore.
And so she went down to the bar,
And drank a couple more.

Mary's in a clinic now.
Though I might seem a bore,
I rather think another time
She might well stop at four.

Well, needless to say, I lost the game. Shame, huh? Anyway our time is almost up and all that remains to say is that the winner is ... the River Pheonix! Oh, is he? Pity. Well I'll have to keep the prize myself.

And it's goodnight from me, and it's goodnight from my pet ogre. Be seeing you.